Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage.
As you said, “In the eyes of God, marriage is based between a man and a woman.” I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other Elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
Come on, everyone knows that Canadians are all somewhat decedents of the French, and who in their right mind would pay for one of those smelly cowards anyway.
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
That depends on her education, heath, physical stamina and the size of her rack. If you happen to be from the Appalachians, be apprised that $50 will be deducted for each missing tooth. However, if all her teeth are missing, her price will be increased by an average of 150%.
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
What? Are you totally unaware of your surroundings? BAD ATTITUDE !!! That’s how you tell. Hell, you’ll be lucky just to stay out of the dog house during that time, let alone trying to get some.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
No. But when you cannot smite, you must invite. Have them over for the pre-sacrifice party so that they will feel more involved and less of an outsider. Besides, after a few goblets of grog, they will probably loosen up. Note: Be sure to check with the EPA and your local Air Quality Control Board to confirm it is not a “No Sacrifice Day”.
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
You are not obligated to actually perform the ‘permanent behavior modification’, but you must report these transgressions along with the appropriate documentation to your local authorities.
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
You’re probably OK. That is an old one that goes back to when they had lots of candles and bowls of fat and ox blood lying around the alters and if some blind guy tripped on an offering it would make a hell of a mess. Nowadays you can just make your tithing by phone on your VISA card. Ps. I suggest contacts.
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19:27 expressly forbids this: How should they die?
Well, I for one have never had my hair trimmed around my temple. As a matter of fact, my barber always comes out to the ranch and the nearest temple, synagogue or church is a good 15 miles south of there. As for dying, they will almost all get either prostrate cancer or have a major coronary somewhere along the line.
8.I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
Of course you can. But don’t worry, unless you are a professional football player you will probably be playing with a synthetic ball, or pligskin, as it is called. That is a material similar to pleather.
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
It’s obvious that your aunt and uncle are sinners and deserve to spend eternity in fiery damnation. While it would be nice to get the whole town together for a pre-stoning party (see #4) I would be careful with that because you can run up quit a tab for a party that size. If you are looking for a more intimate setting, how about just getting the family together and running them over with their own tractor.
10. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
I get asked about this all the time, and the answer is YES, there are degrees of abomination. Just look at your example – eating a shellfish is obviously a far lesser abomination then eating a homosexual. An example an abomination even greater than homosexuality (one of the most abominidable, other then Yeti and the following example) would be for a powerful, charismatic and trusted father figure to seduce a woman young enough to be his daughter while openly and publicly lying to his wife, daughter and millions of people that he works for.
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
As your President I am always willing to assist a fellow American in seeing the truth in all things and to follow the path to righteousness.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
No problem, see all y’all in Heaven.
George
